How to Have an Impossible Conversation
I have recently came across the book called How to Have a Impossible Conversation while I was searching for some practical advice for how to argue better. The book was so good, I thought everyone has to know it.
Arguing with someone and try to understand and persuade her has always been an interesting field of interest for me. You start negotiating once you wake up in the morning till the minute you put your head on the pillow. Even if you are not negotiating with someone, you battle with your inner self all of the time.
By “impossible conversations” , authors state that these are the convos we engage in but also feel there is a certain gap that cannot be filled in terms of ideas,beliefs,morals and politics. No matter how much we try, there is no win for us.
These are the 7 steps for us if we’d like to master the art of negotiation.
#1 — GOALS Why are you engaged in this conversation?
#2 — PARTNERSHIPS Be partners, not adversaries
#3 — RAPPORT Develop and maintain a good connection
#4 — LISTEN Listen more, talk less
#5 — SHOOT THE MESSENGER Don’t deliver your truth
#6 — INTENTIONS People have better intentions than you think
#7 — WALK AWAY Don’t push your conversation partner beyond their comfort zone
You think that the heads of state only have serious conversations, but they actually often begin really with the weather or, “I really like your tie.” — Madeleine Albrigh
GOALS
So, first job is to know why you are investing your time and energy in this conversation. What is the end result you desire out of this?
In the book, authors state that you try to reach to a mutual understanding, to learn from one another, to find the truth, to intervene with some beliefs or arguments or to impress the other one. Or lastly, you engage in because you are forced to. No matter the reason is, it is helpful to keep that reason in mind all along. There is no win for you at the end, if you become frustrated an start yelling at your partner. When you feel you have had enough of the other side, remind yourself of the very reason you are in this convo.
BECOME PARTNERS
Okay, now we know the reasons. We have clear understanding of what we desire to accomplish at the end. What is the first thing we need to do? We need to become partners. We need to see the argument as a way of working together to establish and strengthen the partnership. We have to shift our focus from winning to understanding.
The way to change minds, influence people, build relationships, and maintain friendships is through kindness, compassion, empathy, treating individuals with dignity and respect, and exercising these considerations in psychologically safe environments.
As the authors state, “abandon adversarial thinking (conflict, strife, arguing, debating, ridicule, and the idea of winning), and adopt collaborative thinking (cooperation, partnership, listening, and learning).”
How can we build the partnership ? First, make it open that you want to understand the opposite side. Say, “I really want to understand why you think this way and want this to happen”.
Second, ask yourself: Why would someone think the way your partner in the convo think ?
RAPPORT
Now we move past the #2, and come to #3 Rapport. In order to establish rapport with someone, there is a golden nugget advice from the book: Ask sincere questions. Ask something, someone, someplace that you know have meaning to your partner in convo.
To build rapport, ask sincere questions (that is, questions for which you’d like to find answers, as opposed to asking questions as a tactic). For strangers, movies, music, how they know mutual friends, and the like, are good topics for starting to build rapport. If you’re already familiar with someone, then spend a little time catching up: how are their kids, parents, new house, and so forth? As a general rule, depending on the context, rapport building at the beginning of a conversation takes only a few minutes
To strengthen your rapport:
- Use interesting questions not the boring ones like “What do you do for living”. Here are some examples:
- Can you say more about why that’s important to you?
- What got you interested in that?
- How do you spend most of your free time?
- What are you passionate about?
2. Try to find common ground. Whoever your partner is, there is a 100% chance that you have something in common. How about baseball? R&B? Tattoos? Try to spot that similarity and build on that.
3. Please do not parallel talk. Do not immediately tell your Cuba story, after you hear your partner speaking about it. Try to make him tell more, feel more comfortable to speak with you.
4.Be courteous. You have to use Thank you, I appreciate that and please much more often.
LISTEN
Now comes the most important of all. Listen. You have to listen more and talk less. Here are the most important advice I picked out of the “Listen” section.
- Look directly at someone and turn your body toward them
- Listen. Do not jump in to speak before having heard and processed what they’re saying. Do not stop a sentence.
- If you are unclear about an argument, do not say “That does not make sense” instead say “Can you please explain the reasoning behind this I think I have missed it”
- When you sense fear, anger, disappointment; immeadiadtely make them open and acknowledge them. “ I understand your frustration” “I hear you”.
- Do not pull out your phone when you are having a conversation.
SHOOT THE MESSENGER
According to the book, the research literature on effective conversations shows that delivering messages does not work. What we need to do instead listen to the opposite side and ask questions to discover why they think the way they think.
Do not try to give lectures before you make enough investment in learning and understanding the opposite side.
Mostly, people do not care about what you think. They only care about themselves. If you find some holes in the argument or your partners, direct the conversatio to these points by asking “Can you please dig deeper into why you think this way in this part of the story?”
“Remember: nobody likes to be lectured; in tense conversations, people care more about their message than about those it seems to contradict.”
INTENTIONS
We always blame the opposite side for their reasoning. We think they are ignorant, lazy and non-cooperative.
Having bad opinions about your partner is an important obstacle to fruitful conversation. Leave you thoughts about your partners at the doors of the conversation.
WALK AWAY
Now when to walk away, if you think you and your partner frustrated enough, say thank you and try to discuss it later.
“Forcing a conversation beyond someone’s comfort zone denies you and your partner an opportunity to reflect while placing a strain on the relationship.”
It is hard to persusade someone in a small convo, but if you feel like you made your partner doubt her ideas and arguments, that is a good place to leave the argument. Let her try to think about the way she thinks and the things you expressed in the conversation.
Till the next one,
R.
