Thanks Mom.

It was the last day of my life. I did not know. Not that I am dead now, but I live half-empty since that day. I called an ambulance. No wait, I did not actually my father did. I was too afraid to call the ambulance I did know what that means.

See, I have always been the guy who stood tall, who fight against everything that life brings. But I have a secret. I just have a mechanism that I developed after my childhood filled with fights, runs, swears, mental breakdowns and whatever else you may think of. I just kept my brain busy. I just did not think about the problem at hand. I accepted it was there, but preferred doing nothing about it.

These days, most of us call this Stoicism. You know, if you cannot control it just let it be. Do not be that guy who is being upset about something he can’t change. I think this is not Stoic, this is pathetic. Pathetic and humane at the same time. Since you really do not have any other option. If universe wants to crush you and shred you into tiny pieces, who the fuck are you to rage against?

I remember the last day when I did not have any problem. Problem meaning that I did not think about anything that gives me hard time. I was happy. My family was healthy. Life was great.

Then hit the recession, in 2001. Some guy threw constitutional booklet to some guy in front of everybody. And word got out. That guy was our president, throwing at our prime minister. What the hell am I telling ? I do not know. Some things just have to get out of my system. I feel like I will be alright after I write what goes through my mind. I know I won’t be okay, I know life will be all downhill from here. But hey, you gotta at least try he ? If you do not try, what is the point of being still alive ?

I am sure everybody has a weird independent story that caused them a lot of pain. That constitution throwing I was talking about was exactly that. Recession began. TL lost value day after day. Credit interest went up. My father was bogged down in debt.

Then the family could stand for 5 years. Nobody was happy anymore. Nobody has a dream. There was barely a conversation in the dinner. It was like a black and white cinema without voice.

I remember a happy birthday from when I was 7. I was wearing a football uniform even if I did not like football that much. I was a child, I insisted and my parents just did not fight against me. I got a toy van from mom that I vividly remember. Cool I thought, some day I will buy one we will travel the world. Naive ha.

I remember when I come home from talking to my mom’s doctor. She was diagnosed with 4th stage stomach cancer with metastasis to her ovarian and gut. She was praying that I did not bring her the bad news. In her pajamas, she looked at me, and said “I did not deserve this.”

You know, there are a lot of words or sentences that stick with you and stay with you. Maybe even defines who you are. Like “Ever tried, ever failed? Try again fail again, fail better.” Or like, “Man stands face to face with the irrational. He feels within him his longing for happiness and for reason. The absurd is born of this confrontation between the human need and the unreasonable silence of the world.” Or maybe you like some Sartre, Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does. I don’t judge. For me this was it, “I did not deserve this.”

I remember my mum telling me, do whatever you want but always think first what everybody in the room will feel when you do what you do. Try not to hurt anyone. You don't know what kind of a hell someone is going through. I remember after telling part of my story to my friend, she said, how are you smiling ? You see me smiling, it is good to have multiple masks to wear. Lesson learned along the way.

One day, my mum told me to defend myself against all the things. You are going to be beaten, face injustice, got into a fight you do not want to. She said do not dare to run away from the fight you were right. If you do not defend yourself and run away from the beating, I will beat you once you get home. Nice one don’t you think ? I never run away from a fight mum. I got into a lot of troubles because I was defending myself against everybody and every thing. But one thing I did not do was, running away. Like I promised.

When you look at your life story, I am sure you pick some moments that define you. That feels like a turning point for your life. I felt like this when I was called by court officer at the age of 12 to tell the judge which side I will be picking, my mom or my dad. I said I chose my sister. That was the safer answer at the time. I was sure my sister stays with my mom. And I did not break anybody’s heart by saying I choose mom or dad. However, my heart was broken. Although nobody had a time or energy to think and be sad about that. I wish I was open that day when I was asked which side to choose. Revenge maybe ? Next time.

When I told my mum she was diagnosed with the cancer, she did go to bathroom and cried for about 30 minutes. She opened up the tap and let the water flowing so that we did not hear she was. We are talking about a women who spilled a pot of hot oil to her hand accidentally, and did not even scream for a second. Just to seem strong, just not panic us, just to show us it was okay to be burnt like hell sometimes. What was important was not the level of your burns, but the recovery fight you showed up against the burn. You must make the burn feel like inadequate. Burn must feel ashamed of not having the ability to hurt you. This is brave. And we are human, we take pride on being brave.

When I told her my girlfriend, she told me that I have to respect her like I respect my mum and sister. You know what mum ? I never disrespected her and I am going to marry that girl.

After crying in the bathroom for about 30 minutes, she came back. She sat in the kitchen and looked outside. Listened to the rain, enjoyed the silence she was having maybe. We did not talk for about 1 hour I guess. Then, she turned her face to me and said “Are you hungry?”

You know, there are some times that you feel loss for words. The feeling you have is so overwhelming that you cannot put them into words. I am not professional writer I write these so that I find some comfort letting out. And to cherish my memories. But, when the first sentence you have heard from your mom was “are you hungry” after you practically told her she will be dead in less than a year, it disrupts all the existence crumbs you might have.

I was not seeing her that much. She was living with my sister in our home town, and I was working in a big city, trying to make some money and career maybe. I could not know this would happen too early, I wish I did know.

When I visited her once she was so sick that she did not prepare me a dinner. You know once you go visit your mom the best thing is the table made up of the food you most like. That was your mum, she knew how she can make your day. After 2 days, when I was leaving the home to turn back to my work, she whispered in my ear, “ I am sorry I could not prepare you a dinner this time.” I am sure bullets fired up on you do not hurt that much. It was like you want to breath but there is no oxygen left. You want to see your mum smiling but you are grateful that at least her eyes are open.

You could see her giving up the fight so rarely. Even if she did, she did not show it to you. I knew one time she packaged the whole house by herself since we gotta move out with a twisted kneecap. Not that she was strong, but she was stubborn as hell. She did not like to lose. Thanks mom, for teaching me not to like losing but appreciate a lost after a prideful war. Not all my wars are prideful, but I make sure not to give up without a good fight.

When we were chatting with her doctor privately, she said she has 6–9 months to live, without hesitation. I always wonder which one is easy ? Being told that your loved one is dying or you are going to die in a short while ? If you had a chance, what would you prefer ? That’s the kind of questions I ponder sometimes. Not that there is a certain answer, but to remind me of how pathetic we are as humans. Being pathetic and accepting it give you power. Underestimating yourself has a liberating effect.

Okay where were we ? I remember I was hugging my mom and she was crying that she had enough. She did not have much more power to go on. She lost all the meaning she push herself to attach to being alive. We hugged, we cried, and we were back to being hopeless again. Try to not think about our hopelessness. Since you do not have any other choice when faced with something unstoppable ? You just fill your brain and let the time fly. You trick yourself into the belief that things are going to be okay.

When the last ambulance came, she was still talking to us. She was conscious. She looked at my sister opened her arms to two sides of the bed. She did not have the energy to put what is going through her mind into words, but we all understood. She gave up this time. That was her way of saying sorry to my sister and I. She was trying to say, this time I failed you. I tried to be an example for you again but this is too much more than even I can handle. I am so sorry that I had to leave you. Remember everything I thought you and if you forget everything just remember this : Never lose a fight, without a try. Make your opponents , even if that opponent is God sometimes, say : my friend, this was a fight that I will not forget.

After 1.5 year prideful war against cancer, 7 operations 30 chemo sessions, ambulances, fear of strokes; she preferred giving up. I am saying preferred but I am sure as hell that if she did not prefer giving up, cancer was nowhere near to beat her.

I learnt how to fight, how not to run away, how to show respect, how not to be rude, how to fear, how to be fearless, how to love, how to plan, how to be a good man and how to be there for your loved ones thanks to mum.

This passage was my way of saying her story. Always remember these quotes from the film COCO:

Our memories, they have to be passed down by those who knew us in life — in the stories they tell about us.

and

When there’s no one left in the living world who remembers you, you disappear from this world. We call it the Final Death.

I am trying to keep her alive every breath I take. Could not prevent the first dead from happening but certainly will not let her face the Final Death.

Promise to make you proud up there, every single day.

R.