The Forgetting Curve, Thank You for Arguing, and the Art of Asking Questions
Ruggets #10
🐦1 Tweet Thread:
This is a golden thread on how science of forgetting works.
Three notes I have taken myself:
- We are forgetful animals. It is not your fault, blame the evolution next time you forget your wedding anniversary. We forget over 50% of new information in 1 hour, 66% in 1 day, and 75% in 6 days.
- “There are two ways to strengthen memories newly encoded in our neural web:
- Access the memory repeatedly (strengthen each connection) -
- Connect the memory to other bits of knowledge/feelings we have (new connections reinforce the web).”
- “Studies have shown when students explain what they’ve learned to peers, fading memories are reactivated, strengthened, and consolidated.”
The Forgetting Curve, Thank You for Arguing, and the Art of Asking Questions
📘 1 Book:
Thank You for Arguing
I grabbed one of the copies of the book Thank You for Arguing once I have heard that there is an updated version. This book is all you can dream for to learn about arguments and changing someone’s mind.
According to a study, even in our families we spend 49 minutes arguing every day. This comes to 2184 arguments a year.
Let’s see how you can score 2184/2184.
1. THE GOAL
Start with an end in mind. Why are you involved in this arguments ? What do you want to get out of it ? Do you want to change your listeners’ minds ? Do you need to stop your child from doing that annoying thing ?
In author’s words, in a deliberative argument, you should not try to outscore your opponent. Give him all the points he desires , focus on the end results.
Suppose you are stopped by an officer because you drive too fast. What is your aim ? Try to continue without getting any ticket. Concede then. Accept you are wrong, and play to his expertise.
YOU: I’m sure you’re right, Officer. I should have been watching my speedometer more. I must have been watching the road too closely. Can you suggest a way for me to follow my speedometer without getting distracted?
Good score ha ? You might get away with speeding, never lose focus of your aim.
Set your goals for your opponent, girlfriend, boyfriend, colleagues or boss. Would you like to change their mood, their mind, or their willingness to carry out what you want? Do not get involved in the argument too much to lose your sight of purpose.
2. CONTROL THE TENSE
Aristotle says all the arguments or fights can be boiled down to 3 core issues. Blame, values, choice.
- Who broke the vase ? — Blame
- Should abortion be illegal? — Values
- Should we ban people from having more than 2 children due to over population — Value
- Do we invest in this company or not ? — Choice
- Where do we go to dinner ? — Choice
Present-tense (demonstrative) rhetoric tends to finish with people bonding or separating. Past-tense (forensic) rhetoric threatens punishment. Future-tense (deliberative) argument promises a payoff.
To blame someone use the past tense.
To get someone to believe something, use the present tense.
To discuss the choices, use future tense.
If you are a great debater, of course you are, when things start to go south, switch the tense. Do not use past to blame, instead use future tense to talk about choices and actions.
One great suggestion to implement in a work dispute comes from the author:
TRY THIS AT WORK Most office backstabbing uses the past or present tense (“He’s the one who screwed up that bid”; “She’s a total jerk”). If you find yourself a victim, refocus the issue on future choices: “How is blaming me going to help us get the next contract?” “Whether you think I’m a jerk or not, let’s figure out a way for you and me to get along.”
3. SOFTEN THEM UP
You may assume that people are moved or convinced by purely logical arguments. However, the best rhetoricians now you cannot win an argument with pure facts. You have to know how to combine logic with emotion and authority.
Aristotle says there are three things you can base your arguments on:
ETHOS: Argument by character.
LOGOS: Argument by logic.
PATHOS: Argument by emotion. A successful persuader must learn how to read the audience’s emotions
Logos, ethos, and pathos appeal to the brain, gut, and heart of your audience. While our brain tries to sort the facts, our gut tells us whether we can trust the other person, and our heart makes us want to do something about it. They form the essence of effective persuasion.
For example, use pathetic tactic of showing sympathy. Tell the opponent you understand the problem, feel how they feel. Try to make them like you and soften them up.
4. MAKE THEM LISTEN
In order to get your message through your opponent and listeners, Cicero says there are 3 conditions.
Cicero said you want your audience to be receptive — sitting still and not throwing anything at you. Beyond that, they should be attentive — willing to listen closely to what you have to say. And most important of all, they should like and trust you. All three require argument by character.
On the other hand, in order for your audience to listen to you, or value what you have to say, there are 3 important tactics:
- BRAG : Show off your experience on the certain topic discussed. Try not to sound so boastful. Mildly assert your opinions gained through experience.
- CHARACTER REFERENCE: Get others to do your bragging for you. If you are afraid your opponents dislike bragging, get others to brag about you. In a meeting about an airline website renewal project, ask a friend to say “Hey Joe I know you worked for an airline company, why don’t you share your experiences with us ?”
- TACTICAL FLAW: Reveal a weakness that wins sympathy. Use your little flaws, the way you cannot pronounce “R” for example, to win hearts and seem likable.
5. TURN THE VOLUME DOWN
In a conversation, you definitely do not want to put blame on someone. If some report looks ugly, the report was created ugly you might say, not Chris prepared an ugly report.
If you want to reach a solution, you always direct the blame away at someone. You use a passive voice, you are the master of your art. It is an old pathos trick and reduces the tension.
We all know from the great work of Daniel Kahneman, that our brains have 2 operating systems. System One works on autopilot, so does not waste time on thinking. It just does stuff. System Two is a thinker, asks questions and uses logic. It makes you sweat.
The most important thing is to try to recognize which system your opponent is using. If she in on System One, you have to lower your voice, use some passive sentences to lower the tension. You have to calm her down and make her think in System Two to realize the arguments and self- criticize herself.
6. PERSUADE ON YOUR TERMS
People like to use mental models to process information. Every bit of news presented to human beings is framed somehow to reflect the framer’s point of view. When you discuss with someone, create some frames. Reframe the questions or the contradiction points. See the framing example below:
Political ads provide valuable lessons in framing. In one ad, President Obama touts his job creation record, citing over 4 million jobs added to the economy since he took office. In another ad, Governor Mitt Romney criticizes President Obama’s job creation by pointing out that unemployment is still hovering around 8 percent and the economy still lacks 261,000 jobs that were lost during the president’s tenure. Source
See the difference? You might think this is nonsense and political. But hey, you have to accept frames are everywhere and you have to be on the lookout for them.
For example, when a project manager complains about a project delayed for 2 months, you might say “But we are adding two additional features that customers will certainly love”. That might work or not, but always remember there are two sides to every coin, flip the other side.
Another technique detailed in the book is called redefinition. This is some kind of way to be seem as wise and genius. Don’t automatically accept the meaning your opponent attaches to a word. Redefine it in your favor.
Here comes the example from the book:
SPOUSE: That kid of ours is plenty smart. He’s just lazy.
YOU: Yes, he’s lazy. So how do we motivate him?
Or you can change the terms.
YOU: No, I don’t think he’s lazy. He’s bored.
Or you can redefine them.
YOU: If “lazy” means frantically shooting aliens on a computer and picking up valuable hand-eye coordination, then he’s lazy.
So, when your boss says this project is a failure, you might say “ Bringing in 20.000 new customers while keeping retention rate over 60 percent? Yeah, if it is a failure, I’d say we failed.”
Persuasion is not about what you want. It’s about what your audience needs and desires. First, try to suss out that need. Then structure your argument around solving that need through the decision or action you want.
7. HOW TO DEFENSE IN CASE OF a FIERCE ARGUMENT
In a conversation, you will always see logical fallacies. You might not recognize them if you are not familiar, but they are everywhere. Here is a list of logical fallacies with short descriptions.
And if you just want to know the key ones, here is a great resource to help you get familiar with most common logical fallacies.
If you want to see the whether opposite argument has some credibility or not you need to ask 3 questions:
1. Does the proof hold up?
2. Am I given the right number of choices? Is it a either/or question? Can I expand my choice pool?
3. Does the proof lead to the conclusion? Is the proof really supporting the conclusion?
📝 2 Articles:
You don’t feel like working ? Try this article. Maybe you need some rules to guide you and a life philosophy. You should not be thinking whether you eat after 7 pm. You have to know, in your heart immediately that you cannot eat, that is the pact you made with yourself. No need for thinking.
Many of the most prolific artists, writers, and innovators have become so in part because of their reliance on work routines that forced them to put in a certain number of hours a day, no matter how uninspired (or, in many instances, hungover) they might have felt. Burkeman reminds us of renowned artist Chuck Close’s observation that “Inspiration is for amateurs. The rest of us just show up and get to work”.
Second article will take you away for some time, you rather read it alone and want to feel a little melancholic. As you may remember, we talked about the butterfly effect last week. Look at the below diagram, closely. Every decision is a million of other paths omitted. Every road you take closes millions of other possibilities completely. Your life today is overwhelmed with choices. It is too much to think, too much to digest. Knowing that every decision is up to you to make is the definition of hell. Call 911.
🎨 1 Painting:
By 1873, the group that later became known as the Impressionists were feeling it. Step by step they made their way out of what is widely accepted around the Paris scene and decided to create their own style. A revolt against the academy had begun.
Below painting, called Impression Sunrise, is the hallmark of the Impressionists. Monet depicts the port of Le Havre which is his own hometown. Impressionists were opposed to the tradition of painting historical, religious and literary subjects. They mostly preferred painting scenes from the general flow of life, city life and views from the countryside.
📺 1 Video:
This video is a good introduction to the importance of the questions. Warren Berger has two different books related to the art of asking questions. We will be reading summaries of these books in upcoming posts.
- In the research, we see a 4 year old kid asking 300 questions is a day. Then this questioning desire declines steadily and by the junior high school we nearly do not ask any question in a day.
- In schools we value the answers, there is no value put on the questions
- Questions are the new answers, they are the root of innovation.
- According to the research, by the time we reach 44, adults only ask around six questions in a day. We are terrified that we accept what we do not know.
Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers. ― Voltaire
📽️ 1 SERIES / FILM or DOCUMENTARY:
This week’s suggestion is a film. CODA is about a delicate subject and it is really hard to make it work, get people’s attention, and keep it through the whole movie. It requires expertise. The director masterfully handled the family’s struggle for life, 3 of which were deaf. I was not surprised when I saw this movie nominated for the best picture at the Oscars.
“You know why God made farts smell? So deaf people could enjoy them too.”
— Frank Ross
📜 2 Quotes:
The first rule of holes: when you’re in one, stop digging.
— MOLLY IVINS
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
— BILL MAHER
✨ 1 Poem:
I live my life in ever widening circles,
each superseding all the previous ones.
Perhaps I never shall succeed in reaching
the final circle, but attempt I will.I circle around God, the ancient tower,
and have been circling for a thousand years,
and still I do not know: am I a falcon,
a storm, or a continuing great song?—Rainer Maria Rilke, from Book of Hours
📼 1 Playlist:
Here is another playlist I and my dearest friend Bilge have created for you a while ago. It is kind of a pain killer (or pain booster if you like) when you feel lonely among the crowd. There is strong pain when you feel lonely while seeing all smiley faces around. The playlist will help you think about what is wrong with you. And I am sorry I have to say this, there are so many things wrong about you. That is what makes you, you. Go hug you.
The song of the week:
Normally I would listen to and love a song not for the lyrics but for the quality and uniqueness of its music. Chris Stapleton is an exception to that rule. There is something weird in the way he sings. His tunes, intonations, ups and downs of his voice through the song are all his own. Which makes listening to him a unique experience.
There’s a bottle
On the dresser by your ring
And it’s empty
So right now I don’t feel a thing
I’ll be hurting
When I wake up on the floor
But I’ll be over it by noon
That’s the difference
Between whiskey and you — Whiskey and You, Chris Stapleton
Until next time,
Forward, always.
Ratip.
Originally published at https://ruggets.substack.com on February 13, 2022.
